Why We Must Create Healthy Personal Boundaries
My word of the year is “boundaries”
In the fall of last year, I was working 1:1 with a coach to create my own coaching program designed to empower women. Meanwhile, I was spiraling downward in an emotionally abusive relationship. For the short time that I allowed it, I convinced myself that it was my responsibility to "heal him” and the metaphorical hits I took were a necessary part of his healing journey.
Thank goddess for good friends who call you out on that shit.
I went into 2022 free from that relationship and with the resolution to set better boundaries. As a lifelong people-pleaser, accommodating was my north star. I grew up in a religious home, a middle child of three girls, with a natural desire to keep the peace. I got the message everywhere that it was better, easier, and more honorable to address the needs of others over myself.
Over the past year of people pleasing rehab, I have been able to identify when I naturally start forsaking myself to please others. I am learning how to pause and check in with my needs/wants/desires instead of automatically saying, “yes”. And I have discovered that while setting good boundaries is one of the hardest things a recovering people pleaser can do, it is also one of the most rewarding.
5 Reasons We MUST Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries with people is not easy. It means having a lot of uncomfortable conversations, welcoming confrontation, and even cutting yourself off from certain relationships. But the hard work of setting and maintaining boundaries pays off over and over again! It allows you to step into your most beautiful magnetic self, raise your self worth, and attract healthy vibrant people into your life.
More of that, please!
1) Boundaries = Self Love
In an effort to be non-confrontational, we abandon ourselves. A few months ago I was weeping in the arms of a friend when I realized I was standing at the crossroads of confrontation and self abandonment. I wept because I believed I was, yet again, choosing self abandonment and the realization that I was repeating the same pattern over and over again broke my heart. When was I going to put an end to this? When was I going to choose myself? I’m happy to say that pivotal afternoon I broke a lifelong pattern and ended up on Team Me.
When we allow someone to mistreat us and we convince ourselves that it didn’t happen or it’s not a big deal or that we can handle the fallout, we are gaslighting ourselves. Let that sink in for a moment and next time you find yourself at these crossroads, ask yourself how you would like to be treated. You, my love, are worth your own respect.
2) Boundaries help others
We are lying when we tell ourselves that people pleasing is a form of caring for others. In allowing toxic or unwelcomed behavior to continue (because it feels easier than the uncomfortable conversation and undesired confrontation), we are encouraging others to continue their harmful behavior. In most cases, our overstepping friend doesn’t know they are doing anything wrong. They simply did not have good boundaries modeled for them and do not know they have crossed a line.
If you truly want to help others, set healthy and firm boundaries. Healthy boundaries model self love and show others that their behavior is not acceptable to you. In setting boundaries, you are giving someone else the opportunity to learn how to treat you (and likely others). While this may dissolve your relationship, the lessons learned could be one of the greatest parting gifts.
3) Boundaries make space for good
When we don’t have good boundaries, we allow toxic energy in. And where your attention goes energy flows. This means the more you are feeding this toxic bullshit, the more toxic bullshit there is to be fed. Pretty soon our precious energy is consumed by negativity and that good seed you planted has nowhere to grow.
When we set healthy boundaries, we are choosing what kind of energy we let into our lives. We are saying “no” to what harms and intentionally calling in what heals. Remember that story I told you about that emotionally abusive relationship? Here’s what I didn’t tell you…once I ended it, I met my soulmate two weeks later! After nearly 40 years of looking (and long after believing that kind of love existed), he showed up. Why then? Because I made space for him.
4) Boundaries create relationships of integrity
In the best relationships, there is trust that both people are showing up as their most authentic, honest selves. Establishing healthy boundaries requires ongoing open and honest conversations. Rather than defaulting to assumptions and expectations, creating boundaries creates a deep understanding between two people. It shows our partners (or friends or family members) how we want/need to be loved and gives us the opportunity to respond in kind.
When boundaries are set, we can remove reading between the lines, fishing for favors, and passively expressing our needs. We are showing up in full transparency asking our partner to do the same, and from there we build a connection based in truth, respect, and understanding.
5) Boundaries welcome in abundance
Life is abundant and the universe is always trying to support us. However, when we do not create healthy boundaries, we are letting that abundance seep out through the holes and leaks of our weak walls. But when we declare our value by setting firm and healthy boundaries, our cup overflows with abundance.
This year, as I have continued to create and set boundaries, I have experienced abundance in so many areas of my life - in love, community, business, and even in surprising ways that I could never have imagined. For the first time in my life, I have created a container with strong walls built out of self love and self worth, allowing me to receive the abundance all around.
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When we create boundaries, we are building the structure for the life we want and know we deserve. It is foundational for healing work and the starting point for anything we hope to manifest.
Do you want to see where you are stuck? Take a look at the journal prompts below.
Journal Prompts
I feel drained after spending time with…
Are your needs being met in your most intimate relationships? Are you communicating those needs, or expect them to be known? Are you showing up for them the way you want them to show up for you?
What needs do you have that you are ignoring? Where have you not set good boundaries with yourself?
Do you show up for yourself? Are you able to provide yourself support and love? If not, what is blocking you?
How do you feel about asking for help? If it’s challenging, what is the fear behind asking for help?
What scares you the most about setting boundaries in that area of your life? What is the worst thing that would happen if you did?
What would happen if you didn’t set those boundaries?
Want to dive in more? Email me for a free Boundaries Self Assessment.
Are you looking for a coach who can help you create healthy boundaries and fully step into your power? Contact me for a FREE discovery call.
