FORGIVENESS – YOUR PATH TO FREEDOM
Shortly after my son’s first birthday, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. I spent the next 6 months begging him to stay but it was no use. He wanted out and he was ready to go.
One night I was crying over the phone to my mother. My life was over. I could not imagine a way forward. Then my mom said what I needed to hear the most. “He’s already taken so much from you. Don’t let him take your future too.” Everything that had happened up until that point had been out of my control. I had watched my marriage slip away and the family we had built together crumble. But that was the past. My future was wide up and unwritten. I could choose continued suffering over a choice I had no control over or radical forgiveness and full healing.
I’d like to say that I forgave my ex quickly. But, no. I suffered for another 12 months. I suffered because I was filled with anger, hurt, and a deep sense of injustice. And I responded by saying hurtful things back that further deteriorated our relationship – one that I couldn’t simply walk away from because of our share children.
And then one day, slowly and over time, I forgave him. I was filled with compassion for a person I once loved deeply and I was finally able to let go of all that anger and hurt. The weight of anger lifted and I was freed from the burden of it all.
I was free to soar. And I did.
WHY SHOULD WE FORGIVE?
WE FORGIVE FOR OURSELVES
Through that experience, I learned that forgiveness is not for the other person. Forgiveness is for you. We forgive to end our suffering. When we are in a state of suffering, we simply cannot be a force of love and light in the world. We cannot fully love ourselves, our children, our partners, and our friends until we are free from that suffering.
Now, before we go on, it’s important to say that forgiveness does not mean condoning or denying injustice or suffering. It does not take a passive stance against abuse or violation. Forgiveness is about letting go of lingering guilt or resentment, both of which cause us to suffer greatly.
How long are you going to let yourself suffer from an experience of the past? How long are you going to let that other person control your life?
All too often we perpetuate our pain…by replaying our hurt over and over again in our minds…it can elicit attention and sympathy from others. But this seems like a poor trade-off for the unhappiness we continue to endure. – Howard C. Cutler
DON’T THEY NEED OUR FORGIVENESS?
No. When you have radical self love, enough to forgive the person who betrayed you, the love and wholeness that you put into the world is the best thing you can offer another person. The person who harmed you may need forgiveness but that can only come from within. There is nothing we can do or say that will get them to that point. We can only spread love.
THE PATH OF FREEDOM – 5 STEPS TOWARDS FORGIVENESS
1. UNDERSTAND WHY WE FORGIVE
The first step towards forgiveness is understanding why we need to forgive. Forgiveness is about setting yourself free from suffering so that you can live your most beautiful life. Once we realize that forgiveness is about refusing the poison of anger and hatred, ending the suffering that comes with resentment, and setting ourselves free to reach our highest selves, we will have the motivation to radically forgive.
2. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
You are not responsible for what someone did to you. They hurt and violated you and the pain it caused you is real. You are responsible for your future. How will you move forward in this world? Will you let that hurt define your future? Will you let it control your reactions to the world? The truth is, no one else can make us feel a particular way. We choose our feelings and there is so much freedom in that.
Viktor Frankl, Austrian Holocaust survivor, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, says,
“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.” – Viktor Frankl
Viktor Frankl found freedom in a concentration camp. We can find freedom in our own lives, too.
3. PRACTICE EMPATHY
When I practiced empathy towards my ex, I was filled with compassion for him. I was able to see his hurt and humanity and my love for him grew strong. After that, it is was hard to hold to my resentment.
Empathy is about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, asking questions to better understand their wounds and their suffering that led to their action. The Dalai Lama believes the key to happiness is deep compassion that comes from empathy created by recognizing our similarities rather than our differences. He speaks of humans as sharing same basic needs such as wanting to be loved, belonged, and free from suffering.
When we truly practice empathy, compassion is born. We see the wounds and suffering in others and our love grows.
4. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORDS
Words have much more power than we realize. The words we use create our emotions and reactions and ultimately the events in our life. Depending on the words you use, they can create harmony, peace, and love and they can destroy everything around you.
The word is like a seed, and the human mind is so fertile…Every human mind is fertile, but only for those kinds of seeds it is prepared for. What is important is to see which kind of seeds our mind is fertile for, and to prepare it to receive the seeds of love. – Don Miguel Ruiz
When we are in the process of forgiveness, be aware of the words you use; they will change your heart. Stop speaking unkindly about the person who hurt you; stop speaking about them at all. They don’t need any more of your attention. Shift your words so that you are no longer the victim but the author of your story. The first time I told someone that my ex and I split, rather than saying, “he left me,” was truly one of the most powerful moments of my recovery.
5. FILL UP ON SELF LOVE
Radical self love is at the center of every good thing. When you love yourself unconditionally, you won’t want to suffer anymore. You won’t have room for hurt and anger; it simply cannot exist with so much love.
How do you practice self love? Try out these ideas.
Positive affirmations – Start each day by telling yourself something positive.
Question everything you think about yourself. 80% of it isn’t true.
Treat others well; it will reflect how you treat yourself.
Stop searching for the approval of others. No matter who you are, some people won’t like you and that’s okay.
You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. I know that and I’ve never even met you! Believe that deserve all the happiness in the world and you will find it.
FREE YOURSELF WITH FORGIVENESS
Too often we let the actions of another control us for years, putting us in chains of our own suffering. When we forgive, we find freedom. Learn how to forgive for yourself . When you are free, love and joy will overflow from the center of your being into the world around you. Take control of your reactions, practice empathy, and radical self-love, and be impeccable with your words.
Do this and you will soar; you won’t believe how high you can fly.
