HOW TO STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Envy destroys even the possibility of contentment and yet we spend so much of our lives comparing ourselves to others. At the cost? The cost of our own suffering. Learn how to break free from the habit of comparison and begin to love the life you have.
I am an enneagram 4 which means that my vice is envy. According to Corporate Consciousness, “Fours often compare themselves to others, contributing to their sense of lack and shame. Fours tend to believe that others have what they themselves do not and they also believe that things come more easily to other people.”
Yes, I am no stranger to envy. Rather than focusing on what I do have (and I have plenty), I look around and compare myself to others in terms of what I don’t have. And you can imagine what happens with all this misguided comparison.
It kills my joy.
I have two relationships in which I feel particularly envious. Those are the relationships with my sisters. They both have loving partners, solid families, meaningful and stable careers, retirement accounts, and beautiful newer homes that don’t require a lot of maintenance. Because we were given nearly the exact same opportunity in life, the ways in which I don’t “measure up” feel more obvious. Then a couple of years ago I was going through a particularly difficult season of envy when one of my sisters admitted to me that she envious of my life.
“Why?!”
It turns out my life, which is filled with the freedom that comes from working for oneself part-time and sharing custody of my two kids with their very invested father was looking quite desirable to an overworked, Ph.D. student, and mother of two. It became incredibly clear to me after that conversation. Envy is a mindset and until we shift our mindset, we will feel envious no matter what circumstances change in our lives.
Rather than trying to change our situation, our energy should be spent shifting our attitude to one of gratitude. Joy will follow.
5 WAYS TO STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
1. PRACTICE GRATITUDE
As part of my envy mindset recovery, I started the practice of gratitude journaling. Focusing on what I did have, rather than what I did not have completely changed my life. Whereas envy destroys even the possibility of contentment, gratitude breeds joy. Each day I write down 5 things that I am grateful for. They are both big and small things. Most days I do this in a gratitude journal but sometimes I simply do it in my head while I’m out for a walk or falling asleep at night.
Science has shown that people who practice gratitude have more positive emotions, get better sleep, experience more compassion, and even have stronger immune systems! Making the simple shift from focusing on what we don’t have to what we do have, may be the single most important thing we can do to stop the evil cycle of comparison.
2. AVOID YOUR TRIGGERS
I don’t know about you but Instagram fills me with envy. A couple of years ago, I very much wanted a life partner. I had gone through a recent breakup and I was struggling with being alone again. And it seemed as though simultaneously EVERYONE I KNOW was falling in love and sharing it on Instagram. Just scrolling through my newsfeed made me sick with envy.
A year later, I was happily partnered and wishing I could travel more freely. And, just like before EVERYONE I KNEW was suddenly traveling all around the world and sharing it on Instagram. There was a moment where I was sitting out on a beautiful terrace overlooking Rome, scrolling through Instagram (as one does when they are visiting one of the most exciting cities in the world) and feeling JEALOUS of other people’s travel photos. Needless to say, I don’t do Instagram anymore.
What are your triggers? Is it advertisements? Social media? Home renovation shows? If it’s making you miserable, maybe it’s time to consider cutting it out of your life.
3. POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS
What we say to ourselves matters! When we fill our heads with the ways we don’t measure up or linger on feelings of dissatisfaction, we are feeding the fertile soil that is our mind. We are feeding that envious mindset. Our minds will bear the fruit from the seeds we plant. What we say to ourselves becomes our reality.
It may feel awkward, but I recommend standing in front of the mirror for 1-2 minutes each morning. Look into your eyes and say something positive about yourself or your circumstances. It could be as simple as, “I am enough. I have enough.” or “I am in charge of how I feel, and today I am choosing gratitude”. Give your mind the seeds of positivity and positivity will grow.
4. FOCUS ON YOUR VALUES
For the past 6 months, I’ve been trying to buy a home in an extreme seller’s market. I’ve put down 6 aggressive offers, some of them over 10% over the asking price, all of them rejected. In comparing my home to that of my friends and families who have much more space and luxury, I was beginning to feel like I didn’t have enough. And with each rejected offer, I felt worse. Then one weekend, I (finally) realized my search for a “better” home was making me miserable. I started asking myself what truly makes me happy and the answer came quickly.
Simplicity.
My desire for a simple life was being taken over by the idea that I needed more based on what other people already had. Envy had stolen my values along the way. When we sense ourselves struggling with unhappiness based on what we can’t have, pull back and reevaluate those values. Almost 100% of the time, what we really want is happiness. Not the bigger house, the better job, or the perfect partner. Those are all just tools to help us find the thing that is already inside of us. And in many cases, these tools distract us from extracting true internal joy.
5. TRY COMPARING “DOWN”
Do you ever notice that when you’re comparing yourself to someone, you most often are comparing that what you do not have? Our ego feeds on fear and is on high alert constantly. When it feels threatened, it sends us a signal that something isn’t right.
How much time do we spend comparing ourselves to people who have less? I don’t think about my good health in comparison to those who are fighting for their lives. I don’t think about my relative wealth compared to those who are fighting to pay their bills. I don’t think about my freedom and compare myself to the incarcerated people around the world. Instead I’m think, “why don’t I have this or that” because my ego will always want more.
Eckhart Tolle says, “The ego satisfaction is short-lived and so you keep looking for more, keep buying, keep consuming” Maybe it’s time we start quieting our ego. Next time your envy is triggered, respond by naming two to three things that you have – things that are easily taken for granted and yet, not universally experienced by everyone. You will learn, that like all things, envy is completely relative.
I still struggle with envy (I am an enneagram 4, after all) but practicing gratitude, avoiding Instagram, and focusing on my truest values, I’ve discovered a huge difference in the way I interact with others. I can truly celebrate other people’s good fortune without wondering where mine is. Because I already know the answer. It’s in mindset and perspective.
